Goodbye Mary Jane

         So tonight I broke up with my girlfriend, Mary Jane. Mary Jane was a wolf in sheep's clothing, a ruse. She lured me in with glimpses of artistic spontaneity and epiphanies of self-empowerment,  but left me in an anxious heap. An ever oscillating tide of anxious waves and apathetic self-loathing.

         I remember the first day we met, I was fifteen years old, and my friends and I smoked a joint in his mothers garage. I can't remember a time when I laughed so hard or felt a true spiritual camaraderie with friends. It was like a doorway in my brain opened. Behind it were the depths and complexities of music, exposing themselves to my ears for the first time. Subtle nuances seemed to jump in the forefront and I now notice my love for music became intertwined with her for twenty years.

       Did I love her or not? I'm not sure. It started out that way. Although, I have no doubts it eroded into a dependence, a coexistence that I fear may have lulled time through my fingers. It sucks because at one time I did love her, and I romanticize my relationship with her, thinking it will help me get past a wall in songwriting or make a movie more entertaining. See? That's the trick. She gets you into thinking you need  her.

       After twenty years of prolonged dependence it saddens me to see the roller coaster end in a dark place. We used to go on walks through nature, musing at the intricacies of a patch of moss or the grandeur of a sprawling sky. Now, she burrows into my emotions, stirring them up into an anxious cloud of turbidity that makes me doubt my actions and chips away at my self esteem. 

         Tonight I say goodbye Mary Jane. You have done me right, but now you gone done me wrong. To quote Mahatma Gandhi "Spiritual relationship is far more precious than physical. Physical relationship divorced from spiritual is body without soul." You were a tool and now you have become a crutch. I most likely will miss you, but can guarantee my emotions will not. I will not frown on my friends who use you because I can still see the good in you. You just don't work for me anymore.